In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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