I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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