i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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