i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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