Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
