she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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