First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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