so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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