I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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