Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
