I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
