please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
