this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
