All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
vagina is talking i cant
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
