Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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