1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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