Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
