After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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