I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So squirting runs in the family.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize