my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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