I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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