Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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