If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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