So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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