I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
