I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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