she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
