I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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