I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
