I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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