i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
