Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
