my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
