you would pick up someone in the library
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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