bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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