i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
