I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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