and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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