he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Even my vagina gasped.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Randomize