I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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