I'm so fucking centered right now
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
