i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Randomize
