I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
