How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize