My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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