every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize