I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He felt like a one man threesome
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
