Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
