you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
