my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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