WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
