some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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