My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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