Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize