I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
