Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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