this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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