i just snorted my name. best moment ever
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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