I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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